interim

I’m feeling slightly queasy. My dad tried his hand at making fish, as in fish and chips. Without meaning to pun, it was very fishy – i had to drown it in chili spring roll sauce to mask that.

Anyway, i promised a monster post a couple weeks back so here it goes. Be warned – incoherency ahead! I jotted down bits and pieces of my thoughts over the weak and I didn’t realy make an effort to make them cohesive. This is literally a brain dump.

I was mending my yoga pants and listening to James Vincent McMorrow‘s devastating Follow You Down to the Red Oak Tree when my dad popped his head into my room and ASKED FOR THE SONG’S NAME! He literally disagrees with most of my music tastes (except for oldies and classical music) so this was kind of strange/awesome. He said the singer’s voice is very special – which is basically the reason why i love James VM so much! So much softness and strength! And oh yeah, I may have raved about that movie too – the one that cemented my undying devotion to Benedict Cumberbatch…?

I love entirely too much. this sounds like an odd thing to pronounce, but i don’t think i have enough love IN me, not enough for myself. Anyway, a portion of my time went into reading this. Tony Bourdain is such a character, that’s why I enjoy his shows (and the first couple of books were great!) so much. He’s lively and unpretentious (well, at least not to himself). I love real travel-food documentaries. I want to see the culture of the real folks, not just the touristy “hidden gems”. This also goes some ways to explain why I love “An Idiot Abroad“. Karl Pilkington is unlike anyone you will ever meet/ see/ hear of. He is just brilliant. Completely unassumingly, ignorantly brilliant – which is the best kind for reality shows!

oh! I found this fantastic site that links a ton of films, books, podcasts, to classic material! I have so many documentaries awaiting my attention it’s both delightful and depressing at the same time. Depressing because it’ll be a good month before i can even venture into the world of self-indulgence.

[brb – tummy feeling queasy!!! … is this TMI?]

Hmm… what else? I must one of the only people that didn’t talk about the US elections! Too much ink has been spilt on the issue already so i don’t want to dwell on it. I’m happy that he won – I disagree with Romney on several key points, but I don’t think he’s a bad person nor do I think he wants USA to go down the drain as a country. My mother is the opposite of me in politics, so our most recent skype meet was intense and a bit exhausting. But hey, she’s supposedly talking to Democrats online in order to “see the light”. She sees Obama in the same way I see Romney: ultimately nice guy – but not up to the task of being president.

on an utterly frivolous issue – i’ve been doing lots of online window shopping lately (due to my materialistic but stingy ways). I’ve come to realize something during these pseudo-shopping sprees: I view money in a completely different way than i did when i was jobless. Back when i didn’t have a job, i would easily buy things if i had the money. but now that i do have a job, i can never justify frivolous purchases to myself. i guess everyone experiences this maturity? But a lot of my friends think my frugal ways are hilarious. For instance, i have very sensitive to heat, so if i buy a coffee and the shop doesn’t offer cardboard sleeves, i always ask for an extra cup. when i finish my coffee, rather than throwing away the whole thing, i carry my unused extra home and save it for a day when i don’t feel like bringing my tumblr. is that too extreme? it’s no trouble at all to bring a paper cup home!

another thing i’ve come to realize during my vocal/visual arts haitus: the aforementioned arts are def not my forte. most of the time, i imitate. when i sing, i am always trying to mirror the original over some great cover. i haven’t painted anything original in months – always drawing waterlilies or starry night. i need to get back into doing more creative prints!! i miss it so! my creative writing, though not by any means especially outstanding – is completely my own, even if i can’t define what my style is.

This leads me to another point. I am so grateful that i have so many forms of creative outlet. I never feel ennui. In his second autobiography, stephen fry said that he and hugh laurie once exclaimed “how lucky we are!” They spent their days in cafes and vinyl shops after 20min of voice-over work (which pays very well). they did what they loved best, writing and acting together!

and of course talking about Fry always somehow leads me to his reproduced letter in Moab Is My Washpot which contains the immortal words “I tell you now that everything I feel now, everything I am now is truer and better than anything I shall ever be. Ever.” Fry wrote this when he was 16 and deeply unhappy.

I am not deeply unhappy, but if i may say so myself, i am deeply troubled. And every time I read these words, I am destroyed. Stephen Fry, over all these years, has always been so real, so authentic, so loyal to his feelings – whatever they may be. He never shied away from his self as he sees himself.

I, on the other hand, never allow myself to be so unguarded. every moment of my life is planned – by me! I never allow myself to wander. this is exhausting, and yet the fear of anticipation is too great to bear…

 

verge

I feel like I’ve been sleep walking this whole week, floaty, airy, etc. In fact, I’ve been so off kilter I think I’ve lost weight (hold on, let me just hop on that scale: well, I still weigh the same).

I’ve always secretly prided myself on knowing what I want to do with my life. And it’s only in recent years that I’ve come to understand that sometimes I don’t know how to go about doing those things. I know this is hardly a startling confession to the wise/mature audience, but it is one that I value. I think it takes some courage to accept that.

I want to write, and so I write. Amateur writers are always told to “write what you know” and to be honest, I know very little. Although I have been very independent for the latter half of my 20 years (without bragging, I’m saying the truth here), I have lived a very sheltered life. I’ve been inside this bubble of predictability and… ordinary-ness.

I was talking to a friend the other day. She’s graduating this spring and she’s going to grad school this fall. When I asked her what her plans are after grad school – she said she didn’t know. She said she just wanted to explore her options and figure out what she’s really passionate about. I love her for saying that, for stating that she doesn’t know where she’s headed but that right now, she’s on a good path. It’s so healthy!

I can say this without fearing the cheese (since she’s ignorant of this blog’s existence) that I really look up to her. She has such a sunny perspective on life and yet it’s got a good dose of practicality. She works so hard (like 3 occupations kind of hard) and she’s saving up for her impending month-long Europe trip. I promised her that if the timing’s right, I’d go with her. But for now, we are going on a weekend trip together this summer. Just the two of us, and we are going to be impulsive and have a blast (just as soon as megabus.com releases those $1 tickets, damn it)!

OK, love-fest over for the moment.

PS. It took me 10 minutes to write this 350 words post. How come papers don’t come so easily!! I’m still doing reflection and analysis, just without the library research!

PPS. Whoa! I dared to be different today and spell-checked: but there were only 3 errors – and they weren’t even legit ones. Like I said at the beginning, it’s a topsy turvy day.