constant spiral

Reading Aristotle has been a remarkable experience. The reading for this week’s lectures are metaphysics (book 1), topics and post. an.. I read all this in one go a couple of days ago and had about 20 sticky notes with “?!?” Written on them. If you recall, I was mad at myself for not having bought the book earlier (amazon carries it for $15 less, but shipping takes any from 1-2 months and I didn’t exactly plan ahead). Anyway, I gave all these pages another go last week and eradicated about half of those WTFs. And then last night, I more or less understood what I was reading. Today in lecture, my professor confirmed most of my understandings of the text. It felt so good! I love it when things like this happen, because it reminds me how important and useful it is to read things multiple times. This also gives me confidence in my ability to read critically. It’s never easy, but it is all worth it!

It’s funny how I consistently underestimate the magnitude of a seemingly insignificant thing. I remember being obsessed with Melba toast in middle school. I thought I was being so cool and ‘grown-up’, eating microwave melted harvest cheese on those things. Some girl in my french lesson (this is outside school) asked during one of those inane ‘breaks’ “Is that Melba toast?” and I proudly exclaimed ‘yes!’ Till this day, I have no idea why she asked – and whether she got anything useful out of my answer. Did she hate Melba toast, and thus, anyone one who relishes in their inexplicable crunch? Was she craving for Melba toast and wanted some of mine (granted it didn’t have cheese on them)? So many questions, and all of them MAJORLY IMPORTANT and FRUSTRATING at the time. I can only laugh now. I think we all do when we look back on our youth.

I had a terrible night’s sleep – tossing and turning into the wee hours and scrambled out of bed at 8am to wash, dress, and run out to catch the 8:30am subway. I had an ice-capp last night because my Wednesdays are fiendishly long. It was only an ice capp, and being a java-junkie, i didn’t think much of it. But man, did I suffer through the night. I eventually fell asleep to the dulcet tones of my Shakespeare prof (whose lectures are really really great, but he’s got a really soft, subtle voice that you hate in class because you can’t hear the damn man (I had to sprint from my preceding class from the otherwise of campus to ensure that I got class in time to get a decent seat)). Anyway, suffice it to say that my head’s not in the greatest shape now, but I have so much reading and prep to do for next week, and I have a poetry deadline on Monday that hasn’t even sunk into my brain properly.

I had a pretty frustrating shopping experience today. Although the upside is that I only ended up spending $20 + tax on a northface hoodie (originally $60!!!), I also wasted a lot of time and energy picking and then ditching new winter coats. I can’t wait till I’ll fully independent, when my parents have no barring on what I buy/not buy.

I was supposed to skype with a friend early this evening to discuss and finalize reading week plans – but she never turned up. I detest that sort of thing. But I can’t even muster up the energy to be upset about it. Still, ARGHHHHH!

The 4th season of Cabin pressure started off on what I considered to be a weak episode. The voice actors are clearly trying to elevate the writing, but the story felt so stilted and inorganic. I hate that I feel this way, because I love Cabin Pressure (And not just because BC is in it. I really fell in love with the whole cast and their dynamics!)

I went to the gym today (and I shall spare you the thrilling tale of me being locked out of my locker because my lock suddenly decided to stop working. This ended with my lock being destroyed by a staff member) and did all my usual exercises, so I’m not even sure the soreness I’m feeling in my legs are due to inactivity or due to activity. Hahaa

I need to be more prudent with my spending. I’ve afraid that with the new semester, my sending habits are about to spiral out of control. I am consistently spending $15 on food on a single day. I used to be good at keeping it below $10. Time to bring my own coffee again~ And snacks!! Fruits! Stop buying biscotti singularly!

Sigh, i’m running out of steam and I haven’t started on my Plato and etc readings…

plato and the presocrates

midterm in 9 hours. strangely enough, i’m not panicking. I haven’t exactly mastered the material (well, ok – i have a pretty good idea of what i’d talk about on any of the given philosophers…) but i guess i sleep so little (read: rarely get to bed before 2am) that 12:23am seems… pretty early to call it a night.

this means

I HAVE OFFICIALLY GONE INSANE. at least i acknowledge it.

I really am a little to too hard on myself. and then sometimes when i have an OFF day (see last post) i berate myself for not working harder. it’s a tricky slop. this can’t be healthy, but this is how i’ve learned to cope. i am always preparing for that raining day.

my co-worked/ turned friend is leaving the country (and getting married). the office is having a goodbye party on wed and there’s no way i can make it. he said he’s having a friends only shindig on saturday (which is typically my non-work day) so hopefully i can go to that one.

there’s another commitment i want to get out of simply because i am on the verge of a physical collapse. i need to eat a real meal. i need to listen to some fun music rather than my own recorded study notes on my commutes.

but ughhhhh, i need to start my Henry IV Part I/12th Night comparative essay too.

you know what—i need to buckle down, finish prepping for my midterm and go to bed!

 

geeeezer

apologies, apologies, apologies!

I am in hiding here (in the form of that cunning, manipulative beast that is procrastination) from the wrath of my linguistic anthropology paper. The dear thing is due in 2 days and I’ve got its shadow pinned down.  But the trouble is it keeps trying to escape and I’ve having a hard time pining down my final paragraphs…

I have been working myself to the bone lately and i worry for my health. I have been drinking way too much coffee but I don’t know how else to stay afloat. I have to juggle school, work, family (to a very small extend – my parents have been very understanding of my inability to relax) and friends (those bitches who are done with their midterms while I have 2 more and a paper due!).

So the only ting I can sacrifice is from myself: SLEEP

My bank account is suffering too. I’m eating out and buying coffee every single day because I just have no time nor patience to make any at home. In fact, I only have skim milk in the fridge, which when mixed in coffee, tastes like water. Eughh!

But, all in all, I am very happy – which is the most important thing. My life is full of delightful, delightful preoccupations and I’d rather be exhausted and happy than bored and well rested!

I shall resurface soon, i promise~~

 

 

back in the saddle

I had to go to the library to renew my library card this morning. Like a fool, I forgot to bring IC with me, so the kind lady extended it till the end of Sept so I wouldn’t have to waste money on books.

That’s a lie. It’s not a waste, but it’s just money that I can’t spend.

Anyway, i got the RSC edition of Shakespeare’s plays. I am very very excited about that. I wasn’t too excited about it when I had to lug it and the Norton Anthology of Shakespeare (3000+ pages!) home (my right shoulder might still be aching). Ohhh, and i finally tracked down a copy of Laurence Olivier’s autobiography. GAH- cannot contain myself.

I’m doing good with one of my resolutions: be generous with friends. For the past year, I had to work on every single Saturday and this Saturday will be my last (my schedule changed). So I am buying breakfast for everyone. Granted, it’s only McD breakfast (it’s convenient – I’m not about to go anywhere else at 8:30am in the morning), but I think it shows my sincerity anyway.

On Friday, I am meeting up with a dear chum who is normally out of town. I have to teach at 7pm, so after a bit of juggling, we decided to do late lunch (involving more pastries than real food – I’m not sure how I feel about that, but she’s set on going to Pusateri’s).

I think this is a big improvement. I am usually so stingy with my time. I plan things so meticulously so that I don’t have to go out everyday (the travel time sucks). I like to stack things – is this terrible of me? Perhaps. But I am always scrambling from one thing to another.

It’s only a few more days before books and papers take over my life again. To avoid bingeing and being a fatty in general, I though I’d start charting my eating habits again. I’ll be doing this on the MyFitness app, but I’ll detail yesterday’s and today’s to get a head start:

TUESDAY

breakfast: Coffee

lunch: 2 microwave dinners (only like 250g each, so = bird food)

dinner: rice, steamed broccoli, one boiled egg, a slice of ham

WEDNESDAY

breakfast: Coffee

lunch: rice, eggplant and pork stirfry

dinner: ditto

snack: watermelon

I know, I know – it’s a tragedy! But at least the only way is up! And now that I have a somewhat solid schedule, I can return to my workout plan.

lacing up

going on an artificial-sugar-free diet until my birthday.  wish me luck!

PS – this does not include the sugar for my coffee. I am ambitious, not suicidal.

warmed over

I’m feeling slightly nauseated. It’s the summer heat, or rather, spring is being particularly rowdy this afternoon. I think I might be the only person i know who doesn’t love summer. I hate the sweat, the BO, the sticky sunscreen (I have both the lotion for the face and neck, as well as the spray kind for the arms and legs) the tan lines from sandals and top straps, the sunburn on my shoulders, the constant need to shave my legs, the fact that it’s usually freezing in the office but sweltering outside (meaning my outfit is complicated by necessity). I’m also more conscious of my body, because I’ll have to wear skirts and shorts and tank-tops that expose it all.

But I also love popsicles, ice drinks and the myriad of activities that summer brings.

Anyway, I suppose I’ll go for a run once the sun calms down.

verge

I feel like I’ve been sleep walking this whole week, floaty, airy, etc. In fact, I’ve been so off kilter I think I’ve lost weight (hold on, let me just hop on that scale: well, I still weigh the same).

I’ve always secretly prided myself on knowing what I want to do with my life. And it’s only in recent years that I’ve come to understand that sometimes I don’t know how to go about doing those things. I know this is hardly a startling confession to the wise/mature audience, but it is one that I value. I think it takes some courage to accept that.

I want to write, and so I write. Amateur writers are always told to “write what you know” and to be honest, I know very little. Although I have been very independent for the latter half of my 20 years (without bragging, I’m saying the truth here), I have lived a very sheltered life. I’ve been inside this bubble of predictability and… ordinary-ness.

I was talking to a friend the other day. She’s graduating this spring and she’s going to grad school this fall. When I asked her what her plans are after grad school – she said she didn’t know. She said she just wanted to explore her options and figure out what she’s really passionate about. I love her for saying that, for stating that she doesn’t know where she’s headed but that right now, she’s on a good path. It’s so healthy!

I can say this without fearing the cheese (since she’s ignorant of this blog’s existence) that I really look up to her. She has such a sunny perspective on life and yet it’s got a good dose of practicality. She works so hard (like 3 occupations kind of hard) and she’s saving up for her impending month-long Europe trip. I promised her that if the timing’s right, I’d go with her. But for now, we are going on a weekend trip together this summer. Just the two of us, and we are going to be impulsive and have a blast (just as soon as megabus.com releases those $1 tickets, damn it)!

OK, love-fest over for the moment.

PS. It took me 10 minutes to write this 350 words post. How come papers don’t come so easily!! I’m still doing reflection and analysis, just without the library research!

PPS. Whoa! I dared to be different today and spell-checked: but there were only 3 errors – and they weren’t even legit ones. Like I said at the beginning, it’s a topsy turvy day.

unbecoming

I have an irritating headache. Granted, I left my coffee a little too late (finishing it at 8pm) but I don’t think it’s the sole reason. I think I’m dehydrated. So I gulped down 3 glasses full just now.

A flurry of different emotions today – I don’t want to get into any of it but I’m tired and I want to go to bed as soon as I can…

FOOD LOG:

MONDAY: stir-fried beef, chili fish, rice, coffee

TUESDAY: Stir-fried beef, cucumbers, rice, maple coffee

WEDNESDAY: Klondike chili, cucumbers, butter chicken, coffee

THURSDAY: meat pizza (3 slices), Thai chicken soup, 900g berry smoothie, coffee

FRIDAY: Double baked potato, NY steak, ginger ale, cabbage stir-fry, rice, lam curry, coffee

SATURDAY: Coffee, breakfast sandwich, cheese croissant, banana, Indian veggies

SUNDAY: grapes, orange juice, string beans with pork, butter chicken, rice

drone

Began the day cheerily, despite getting only 5 solid hours of sleep. I’ve had to cancel my weekly skype session because I don’t think I can keep my eyes open for much longer. I was chatting with my co-worker and I accidentally said “I want to cry” when I meant “sleep”. What a Freudian slip!

One of my poems will be performed vocally and I need to expand the text to make it last 8-9 minutes. Music will be composed based on my words and it’s all very exciting…

PS. This was Saturday… I don’t know why it sat in the drafts folder… Possibly because it’s not all that interesting?

make up your mind

so I’ve having fries and steamed asparagus for supper tonight.

Recently, I’ve been very accommodating with my diet (too much so, in fact). I allow myself to indulge whatever food item it is that my body desires. No matter the price, no matter the fat. I should mention that it isn’t because I’ve given up my barely two months old health resolution but because of a frustratingly regular event that is a part of my very physical biology.

I don’t need to gross you out any further.

PS. Granted, it’s steamed asparagus. I feel less guilty when I skip the butter.