constant spiral

Reading Aristotle has been a remarkable experience. The reading for this week’s lectures are metaphysics (book 1), topics and post. an.. I read all this in one go a couple of days ago and had about 20 sticky notes with “?!?” Written on them. If you recall, I was mad at myself for not having bought the book earlier (amazon carries it for $15 less, but shipping takes any from 1-2 months and I didn’t exactly plan ahead). Anyway, I gave all these pages another go last week and eradicated about half of those WTFs. And then last night, I more or less understood what I was reading. Today in lecture, my professor confirmed most of my understandings of the text. It felt so good! I love it when things like this happen, because it reminds me how important and useful it is to read things multiple times. This also gives me confidence in my ability to read critically. It’s never easy, but it is all worth it!

It’s funny how I consistently underestimate the magnitude of a seemingly insignificant thing. I remember being obsessed with Melba toast in middle school. I thought I was being so cool and ‘grown-up’, eating microwave melted harvest cheese on those things. Some girl in my french lesson (this is outside school) asked during one of those inane ‘breaks’ “Is that Melba toast?” and I proudly exclaimed ‘yes!’ Till this day, I have no idea why she asked – and whether she got anything useful out of my answer. Did she hate Melba toast, and thus, anyone one who relishes in their inexplicable crunch? Was she craving for Melba toast and wanted some of mine (granted it didn’t have cheese on them)? So many questions, and all of them MAJORLY IMPORTANT and FRUSTRATING at the time. I can only laugh now. I think we all do when we look back on our youth.

I had a terrible night’s sleep – tossing and turning into the wee hours and scrambled out of bed at 8am to wash, dress, and run out to catch the 8:30am subway. I had an ice-capp last night because my Wednesdays are fiendishly long. It was only an ice capp, and being a java-junkie, i didn’t think much of it. But man, did I suffer through the night. I eventually fell asleep to the dulcet tones of my Shakespeare prof (whose lectures are really really great, but he’s got a really soft, subtle voice that you hate in class because you can’t hear the damn man (I had to sprint from my preceding class from the otherwise of campus to ensure that I got class in time to get a decent seat)). Anyway, suffice it to say that my head’s not in the greatest shape now, but I have so much reading and prep to do for next week, and I have a poetry deadline on Monday that hasn’t even sunk into my brain properly.

I had a pretty frustrating shopping experience today. Although the upside is that I only ended up spending $20 + tax on a northface hoodie (originally $60!!!), I also wasted a lot of time and energy picking and then ditching new winter coats. I can’t wait till I’ll fully independent, when my parents have no barring on what I buy/not buy.

I was supposed to skype with a friend early this evening to discuss and finalize reading week plans – but she never turned up. I detest that sort of thing. But I can’t even muster up the energy to be upset about it. Still, ARGHHHHH!

The 4th season of Cabin pressure started off on what I considered to be a weak episode. The voice actors are clearly trying to elevate the writing, but the story felt so stilted and inorganic. I hate that I feel this way, because I love Cabin Pressure (And not just because BC is in it. I really fell in love with the whole cast and their dynamics!)

I went to the gym today (and I shall spare you the thrilling tale of me being locked out of my locker because my lock suddenly decided to stop working. This ended with my lock being destroyed by a staff member) and did all my usual exercises, so I’m not even sure the soreness I’m feeling in my legs are due to inactivity or due to activity. Hahaa

I need to be more prudent with my spending. I’ve afraid that with the new semester, my sending habits are about to spiral out of control. I am consistently spending $15 on food on a single day. I used to be good at keeping it below $10. Time to bring my own coffee again~ And snacks!! Fruits! Stop buying biscotti singularly!

Sigh, i’m running out of steam and I haven’t started on my Plato and etc readings…

term end in sight!

oh God, will i ever master the devil that is Modern Symbolic Logic? Just when I think I’ve got it pretty good, it springs an impossible question at me. Anyway – the only way I can survive it is by studying systematically. I’m on 6.3 right now and the final is on Tuesday (there are 7 units in total, but I for sure don’t know all my stuff for unit 5 or unit 7). My room is an utter mess, and I haven’t relaxed (save for the bouts of web surfing) in the last 3 weeks… After logic final is my Presocratics and Plato final… so yeah.

And i agreed to work through the holidays—so I won’t be getting much of a breather at all. People ask me why I work this much, I’ve not saving $ for anything in particular (heck, I window shop a ton, but I never actually spend this money. But i think I might treat myself this Xmas, a nice bag, nothing above $500 though)

My eating habits? Terrible – it’s all according to my study and work schedule. Yesterday I was running late to work (I was in a meeting at school till 1:30pm). I had an omelette sandwich in the morning but NOTHING else until 8pm at night. That’s DANGEROUS, but what could I have done? Told my student to wait while I grab some food?

But there are many things that are keeping my spirits up! I cannot wait to go back to the Frida show again, and ugh—just so many iTunesU videos that patiently await meeeee…

 

in·com·mu·ni·ca·do

my brain and my will, that is. to cheer myself up, here is my TO LOOK FORWARD TO list after exams:

– THE HOBBIT

– SKYFALL (dad wants to see it)

– infinite trips to Frida & Diego (at the AGO, so sublime!)

– SLEEP

– ALL THINGS ANTHONY BOURDAIN

– some sort of massive steak dinner, i deserve it!

– READING FOR PLEASURE (i love reading plato, but it’s nice to read stuff i won’t be tested on)

– ANNA KARENINA (I know Keira is a bit hit and miss, but i love her and Joe Wright. All his films are to my taste)

– seeing friends (i’ve been the worst about meeting up. i simply don’t have time!)

– working out!!!

– geeking out w/ shakespeare fans!!

 

Leonardo de Vinci: Anatomy

I got up to Unit5 Part A.7 of Symb. Logic last night and simply got too bored to continue studying. So I whiled away the night (I slept at 3am!) by watching countless episodes of anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservations”. Man, it’s always a mistake to watch food shows when you’ve only had a large veggie salad for dinner – but I persevered! I didn’t eat anything else, seeing it was so late in the night and there’s nothing I fancied in the house.

Whew! I’m literally starving…

Just  came back after eating a marshmallow sandwich because i didn’t have any toast spread left. It was surprisingly tasty. Hmm, looking at my agenda is going me headaches. The day after Tuesday’s midterm, I’m to meet up with my TA about the preliminary draft for my paper. Ugh, as you all know, I only have an outline. I suppose there’s another sleepless night! I’ll do a very detailed outline (with citations and everything) but there’s no way I’ll write 10 pages after that midterm.

During my procrastination this morning, I discovered touchpress apps! they are supposed to be fantastic! I bought the Da Vinci one – if it’s as good as it promises to be, I’ll probably get The Waste Land one too.

I need to get off the internet!! LATERZZZ

 

interim

I’m feeling slightly queasy. My dad tried his hand at making fish, as in fish and chips. Without meaning to pun, it was very fishy – i had to drown it in chili spring roll sauce to mask that.

Anyway, i promised a monster post a couple weeks back so here it goes. Be warned – incoherency ahead! I jotted down bits and pieces of my thoughts over the weak and I didn’t realy make an effort to make them cohesive. This is literally a brain dump.

I was mending my yoga pants and listening to James Vincent McMorrow‘s devastating Follow You Down to the Red Oak Tree when my dad popped his head into my room and ASKED FOR THE SONG’S NAME! He literally disagrees with most of my music tastes (except for oldies and classical music) so this was kind of strange/awesome. He said the singer’s voice is very special – which is basically the reason why i love James VM so much! So much softness and strength! And oh yeah, I may have raved about that movie too – the one that cemented my undying devotion to Benedict Cumberbatch…?

I love entirely too much. this sounds like an odd thing to pronounce, but i don’t think i have enough love IN me, not enough for myself. Anyway, a portion of my time went into reading this. Tony Bourdain is such a character, that’s why I enjoy his shows (and the first couple of books were great!) so much. He’s lively and unpretentious (well, at least not to himself). I love real travel-food documentaries. I want to see the culture of the real folks, not just the touristy “hidden gems”. This also goes some ways to explain why I love “An Idiot Abroad“. Karl Pilkington is unlike anyone you will ever meet/ see/ hear of. He is just brilliant. Completely unassumingly, ignorantly brilliant – which is the best kind for reality shows!

oh! I found this fantastic site that links a ton of films, books, podcasts, to classic material! I have so many documentaries awaiting my attention it’s both delightful and depressing at the same time. Depressing because it’ll be a good month before i can even venture into the world of self-indulgence.

[brb – tummy feeling queasy!!! … is this TMI?]

Hmm… what else? I must one of the only people that didn’t talk about the US elections! Too much ink has been spilt on the issue already so i don’t want to dwell on it. I’m happy that he won – I disagree with Romney on several key points, but I don’t think he’s a bad person nor do I think he wants USA to go down the drain as a country. My mother is the opposite of me in politics, so our most recent skype meet was intense and a bit exhausting. But hey, she’s supposedly talking to Democrats online in order to “see the light”. She sees Obama in the same way I see Romney: ultimately nice guy – but not up to the task of being president.

on an utterly frivolous issue – i’ve been doing lots of online window shopping lately (due to my materialistic but stingy ways). I’ve come to realize something during these pseudo-shopping sprees: I view money in a completely different way than i did when i was jobless. Back when i didn’t have a job, i would easily buy things if i had the money. but now that i do have a job, i can never justify frivolous purchases to myself. i guess everyone experiences this maturity? But a lot of my friends think my frugal ways are hilarious. For instance, i have very sensitive to heat, so if i buy a coffee and the shop doesn’t offer cardboard sleeves, i always ask for an extra cup. when i finish my coffee, rather than throwing away the whole thing, i carry my unused extra home and save it for a day when i don’t feel like bringing my tumblr. is that too extreme? it’s no trouble at all to bring a paper cup home!

another thing i’ve come to realize during my vocal/visual arts haitus: the aforementioned arts are def not my forte. most of the time, i imitate. when i sing, i am always trying to mirror the original over some great cover. i haven’t painted anything original in months – always drawing waterlilies or starry night. i need to get back into doing more creative prints!! i miss it so! my creative writing, though not by any means especially outstanding – is completely my own, even if i can’t define what my style is.

This leads me to another point. I am so grateful that i have so many forms of creative outlet. I never feel ennui. In his second autobiography, stephen fry said that he and hugh laurie once exclaimed “how lucky we are!” They spent their days in cafes and vinyl shops after 20min of voice-over work (which pays very well). they did what they loved best, writing and acting together!

and of course talking about Fry always somehow leads me to his reproduced letter in Moab Is My Washpot which contains the immortal words “I tell you now that everything I feel now, everything I am now is truer and better than anything I shall ever be. Ever.” Fry wrote this when he was 16 and deeply unhappy.

I am not deeply unhappy, but if i may say so myself, i am deeply troubled. And every time I read these words, I am destroyed. Stephen Fry, over all these years, has always been so real, so authentic, so loyal to his feelings – whatever they may be. He never shied away from his self as he sees himself.

I, on the other hand, never allow myself to be so unguarded. every moment of my life is planned – by me! I never allow myself to wander. this is exhausting, and yet the fear of anticipation is too great to bear…

 

snail pace

[it’s 12noon right now–i just left this sitting in the drafts folder, that’s all]

here is the list of things I’d like to have completed by Tuesday Night. I’d allotted hours for each for practicality’s sake:

– Thesis & Outline for AFMAMH paper (4)

– Thesis & Outline for Henry IV Part 1 & Twelfth Night (3)

– Symb. Logic Unit 6 Review (8)

– Brainstorm thesis for Ling. Anthro paper (2)

– Symb. Logic Quiz 8 (3)

All of the above add up to 20 hours. I have 10 hours left of today. I have 10 hours free tomorrow. ARGHHH

OK. I shall be calm, and light some candles. It’s a lot of work (and that doesn’t include my readings for the second half of the week!) but I can do it!

UPDATE: Finished reading and highlighting Ch 3-5 for Ling. Anthro!

UPDATE: Have a fuzzy thesis for Shakespeare!! Need to reread second half of 12th Night though.

UPDATE: Attempted symb logic – gave up. shall try again later.

UPDATE: UGHHHHHHHH, I want KFC! I just watched a bunch of k-pop reality shows. Why do I do this?!?!

UPDATE (Nov 13): finished rereading 12th Night. The thesis is now pulling in too many directions.

UPDATE: Have fuzzy idea for AFMAMH.

crunch

here is what I have ingested today:

– 4 slices of raison toast w/ margarine

– 2 mugs of coffee

– 1/3 of a chicken wrap

– 1 tall glass of orange juice w/ ginger ale

it’s a miracle i haven’t croaked yet. i’m feeling kind of strange. Tired, but really inspired by a ton of stuff. but i suppose the mountain of work facing me is a bit daunting. i just need to take things step by step. not everything is due now! In fact, save for a term test next week, everything is due in 2 weeks’ time. But i must be prepared – otherwise I won’t be sleeping 6 hours a day like I should be!

UPDATE: it’s half past 11pm. So far I have eaten – half a pineapple (i’m not exaggerating), some fried fish, red peppers, a glass of orange juice.

plato and the presocrates

midterm in 9 hours. strangely enough, i’m not panicking. I haven’t exactly mastered the material (well, ok – i have a pretty good idea of what i’d talk about on any of the given philosophers…) but i guess i sleep so little (read: rarely get to bed before 2am) that 12:23am seems… pretty early to call it a night.

this means

I HAVE OFFICIALLY GONE INSANE. at least i acknowledge it.

I really am a little to too hard on myself. and then sometimes when i have an OFF day (see last post) i berate myself for not working harder. it’s a tricky slop. this can’t be healthy, but this is how i’ve learned to cope. i am always preparing for that raining day.

my co-worked/ turned friend is leaving the country (and getting married). the office is having a goodbye party on wed and there’s no way i can make it. he said he’s having a friends only shindig on saturday (which is typically my non-work day) so hopefully i can go to that one.

there’s another commitment i want to get out of simply because i am on the verge of a physical collapse. i need to eat a real meal. i need to listen to some fun music rather than my own recorded study notes on my commutes.

but ughhhhh, i need to start my Henry IV Part I/12th Night comparative essay too.

you know what—i need to buckle down, finish prepping for my midterm and go to bed!

 

downer days

my day started brilliantly, which is why i feel extra crappy at the moment. I worked super hard for a task and didn’t get a satisfactory result. feeling kinda low… so i channeled my anger/self-pity towards housekeeping. It actually made me feel better. I out things into perspective – it’s easy for me to obsess over everything, but i know this isn’t the end of the world (yet), so ….ahahaha, run on sentences!!! if only my students knew how terrible my private writings are.

OK – time to get back to work~

Hope everyone is having a better evening than I am. And even if you’re not, remember that “tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it!”*

PS. *Anne of Green Gables, of course!

 

geeeezer

apologies, apologies, apologies!

I am in hiding here (in the form of that cunning, manipulative beast that is procrastination) from the wrath of my linguistic anthropology paper. The dear thing is due in 2 days and I’ve got its shadow pinned down.  But the trouble is it keeps trying to escape and I’ve having a hard time pining down my final paragraphs…

I have been working myself to the bone lately and i worry for my health. I have been drinking way too much coffee but I don’t know how else to stay afloat. I have to juggle school, work, family (to a very small extend – my parents have been very understanding of my inability to relax) and friends (those bitches who are done with their midterms while I have 2 more and a paper due!).

So the only ting I can sacrifice is from myself: SLEEP

My bank account is suffering too. I’m eating out and buying coffee every single day because I just have no time nor patience to make any at home. In fact, I only have skim milk in the fridge, which when mixed in coffee, tastes like water. Eughh!

But, all in all, I am very happy – which is the most important thing. My life is full of delightful, delightful preoccupations and I’d rather be exhausted and happy than bored and well rested!

I shall resurface soon, i promise~~