FALL FALL FALL has come and looks eager to leave us, doesn’t it?
I’ve had to prep myself with hats and scarves and mittens daily (which is a pain for I’m so attached to my itouch. I haven’t got fingerless gloves!)
I saw my mom two weeks ago and something different happened when she left. i genuinely missed her. I left a void. I wanted her to stay. That’s never happened before, not like this. Of course, I didn’t tell her this (it wouldn’t have made a difference, she had to go~and confessing would reveal the previous lack of depth in my feelings towards her). I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with this. I momentarily rejoiced in my sorrow. I’ve wanted a real and affecting relationship with my mother, both with her person and my idea of her. I used to be very clinical when i thought of her. I love her because she gave birth to me. But beyond that, beyond that physical feat, what is there?
Since I turned 20, a ton of things have changed. I’m not sure if it’s all a coincidence or my imagination. I’m not quite sure how i feel about the changes. And by that I mean i am happy that the changes took place (for they are making me a more mature and fully realized person)–but not sure whether I’m happy that I have this road ahead of me-so clearly defined and yet dangerous to actually travel through. Gah, that last sentence is awful! But it shows what I mean when I say I’m confused.
I’m usually quite good at articulating my inability to articulate things. Anyway–it’s freezing here and I gotta put on my gloves if i’m to write anymore.